I don’t know the recipe. Somewhere, under a pile of mildewed books and dust as thick as a caul, somewhere in the rubble of my and my father’s past lives, lies the binder I’m looking for, and inside it, the recipe I need. But we’ve tried. We’ve tried to find it, dug into cupboards and rearranged shelves—the binder my mom kept all her recipes in is just not with us. And neither is she. And this is the first time since she died that I am making a Thanksgiving dish that was hers. I don’t know the recipe. But here we are.
Driving the early morning streets of LA, I scroll through my mental list of people who might have cooked with my mom—my aunts, but they won’t know it, friends, but so few would’ve had that precious kitchen time with her.
Jan. My mother’s best friend.
I hold down the home button on my phone til Siri dings, then say “Call Jan Osterneck, mobile”. Siri pings back at me cheerfully, and I get Jan’s voicemail. Halfway through leaving my message, Jan beeps in on the other line. “Was that a pocket dial?” “No! I was calling you! Hi!“
We beam telephonic smiles at each other. Jan and I don’t speak often enough (hence her genuine wonder if I had pocket dialed her—at 7:30 in the morning), and sometimes I wonder if it’s because we remind each other too acutely of my mom. Our speaking brings my mom into the room with us. Always. No matter how long has passed. No matter what we say.
Jan remembers the dish—we shared it over so many Thanksgiving meals—but not what went into it. We laugh, guessing at what might fill in the gaps between the ingredients about which I am certain: Sweet potatoes or yams, butter, orange juice, dried apricots, and walnuts. A non-sensical collision of flavors that somehow…worked.
I promise to keep Jan posted, and we say we’ll see each other later this month when I’m home on Maui. We’ll sit in the garden, and my mom will be there with us in the way she always is. But it will be sweet. As much grief as there is, we’ve both kept breathing.
At home, I decide to brown the butter, to add maple and cinnamon, and to make the toasted walnuts into a spiced, salty sweet crunch for the top. For eight years, I have been afraid to make this, terrified to summon my mom and the traditions we kept and the deep well of missing that exists where she used to be. But today, in the kitchen, I welcome it all. All the feeling, and with it, the joy of creating a new now.
My dad calls as I’m finishing up the dish, and I tell him: I made it. I didn’t have the recipe, but I made it. We wonder, like we do, where the binder might be. One day, I’m certain, it’ll turn up. Until then, we have this.
A KALE & CARAMEL THANKSGIVING: BROWN BUTTER CITRUS SWEET POTATOES
Ingredients
brown butter citrus sweet potatoes
- 5 sweet potatoes
- 6 tablespoons salted butter
- juice of one large orange (½ cup)
- 1 cup dried apricots
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 tablespoon maple syrup
- ¼ teaspoon sea salt
spiced walnut crunch
- ½ cup chopped walnuts
- 1 tablespoon maple syrup
- ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
- pinches couple flaky sea salt
Instructions
- Peel sweet potatoes, cut into 1” disks, and steam in a large stock pot with a metal steamer and plenty of water. Steam until sweet potatoes are cooked through and tender when pierced with a fork, about 20-30 minutes. (You can also boil the sweet potatoes if you don’t have a steamer.)
- While the potatoes cook, melt butter in a large frying pan over medium high flame. Allow the butter to sizzle and pop as the water separates and evaporates. Swirl pan occasionally, and notice some of the butter solids beginning to separate at the bottom of the pan. Watch these over the next few minutes, as the butter begins to brown. When you see the butter take on an amber color and it smells nutty and fragrant, remove from heat and pour into a saucepan.
- Juice orange (make sure no seeds slip in), and pour juice into sauce pan with browned butter. Use kitchen scissors to cut dried apricots into small strips and pieces (about ¼” width), dropping the apricot pieces directly into the sauce pan. Bring to a gentle simmer over medium flame. Once they reach a simmer, reduce heat and let cook for another couple minutes, until apricot pieces are tender but not falling apart. Remove from heat.
- Preheat oven to 375º.
- When potatoes are cooked, remove from heat, drain water, and empty potatoes from steamer into drained stock pot. Mash with a potato masher until largely smooth, then pour in about half the brown butter-orange juice mix, without adding the apricots. Add cinnamon, maple syrup, and sea salt, and continue to mash until they become very smooth and creamy. Add in the rest of the brown butter-orange juice mix with the apricot pieces, and fold with a spoon to incorporate. Taste and adjust salt. Place lid on pot and set aside.
- In a small bowl, mix chopped walnuts, maple syrup, cinnamon, and flaky sea salt. Spread in an even layer on a baking sheet, and bake for 3-5 minutes, until sizzling and beginning to turn golden brown. Remove from heat and let cool. Use a spatula to remove in chunks and pieces.
- Dish prepared potatoes into an oven-proof serving vessel and bake for 20 minutes, until the edges around the top show just a touch of brown. Remove from oven, and sprinkle with the spiced walnut crunch. Serve immediately.
